Health and Lifestyle
The Irony Of Beards
February 11, 2014



My husband does not have a beard or a mustache and, after finding out the kinds of things that lurk and hide within facial hair, I’m very glad he doesn’t. Beards and mustaches are gross yet more popular than ever. Current trends have men sporting hipster beards all over the place. And, it seems, the bushier and more unkempt the better.

Now, anytime a new fad happens, there are experts all over the place studying why it is happening and what it is all about. Beards are no exception. And, it seems, the answer to the curious question of whether or not these hairy facial accessories are hygienic is a resounding, “NO!” Beard swabs of these manly bushes reveal that they contain all sorts of bacteria. And, the grossest part of this report is that much of this bacteria can be found in human intestines and fecal matter. Bearded men are sporting microscopic poop bugs on their faces.

Is this normal? It seems so. As far back as the 1960s scientists have known that male facial hair is nothing more than a germ trap. Staphylococcus particularly likes to set up camp in the outback of hairy faces. Bearded men are disease incubators and prone to have skin infections and share these infections with whomever they get up close and personal with. And infection is not isolated to just the skin. Even the hair follicles of a beard or mustache can become infected. This is called folliculitis.

If men want to keep their beards and mustaches a bit more sanitary, they need to cleanse them daily. Soaps that have antiseptic properties are helpful, or, hairy men could do us all a favor and either shave that junk off or go out in public wearing a surgical mask.

Bacteria does not just sit there and wait to be scooped up by an unsuspecting person. It is “transmitted”. Bearded men are sometimes ingesting their own beard bacteria and becoming sick. Some bearded men are transmitting their beard bacteria to their loved ones when they kiss and snuggle. Beards can make you sick.

Bearded men, if you don’t want to become society’s outcasts as harbingers of disease, either shave that stuff off or sanitize it regularly. Or, submit yourself as a guinea pig for scientific studies and help us all out. You could transform the negative image of the bacteria laden beard to one of humanity’s salvation.

You see, that bacteria can also be used for good. It can lead to the development of a beard inspired antibiotic that can be used to heal the sick. Such irony to be found upon the faces of men. They can either make you sick or heal you. And no one is more interested in this than hospitals. They have regulations about washing hands in order to prevent the spread of sickness. Should they institute facial washing as well?

You see, hospital research has discovered that even hairless faces harbor nasty bacteria. Staph aureas, in particular, was found. This is an antibiotic resistant bacteria. How does that happen? Well, when men shave they create microscopic abrasions in the skin. These create the perfect conditions for bacteria to set up a snug little colony and grow like crazy. Could a beard then be healthier than shaving? Could nature’s design of male facial hair be for the purpose of preventing the development of a bacteria resistant bacteria?

As researchers continued to study bacterias that were found in beards, they also found a bacteria eating microbe present and gobbling away like crazy. Bearded men, think of it like a microscopic Pac Man game occurring, literally, right under your nose!

It is very possible that a new antibiotic could be discovered in bacterial beard breeding grounds. Bearded men everywhere, you are now cooler and hipper than ever. Your nasty shag could very well save a life.

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